I was casually thinking through the numerous books I have read on parenting and other family related topics the other day and a single thought struck me like an atomic bomb: I cannot recall ever reading a chapter or section from any of the parenting/family books that discuss the issue of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and HIV/AIDS. Now perhaps I have not read enough of these kinds of books and perhaps the authors of the books I have read felt this discussion was better left to the medical journals or other such mediums. However, given the climate of our culture we live in I think there would be great value to an open and candid discussion on this specific matter within the context of parental protection in the lives of our children. What I am specifically going to deal with is that if fathers are charged with the protection of their children and have been given this role by God then it seems to me that one of the conversations that ought to be held between father and son and father and daughter is this one.

I began to seriously deal with the HIV issue in the lives of my own children after attending an HIV awareness class that I had the opportunity to take as part of my training with Harris-Teeter. I was ashamed of my own dereliction in this matter and purposed to honestly deal with it in the lives of my own children when I returned home. During these conversations a whole new dynamic and level of thought began to surface. How am I, as a Christian father who loves his children, to deal with a potential wife or husband for my children? Does this issue have any relevance to my God given charge of protecting my children? I think it does.

Recently my second daughter became involved with a young man in an official sort of way. That is, he formally asked me if he could "court" my daughter with the sole intention of it ending in marriage. He gave me a time-line of plans and goals. I was even able to have a good conversation with his parents about this relationship and what we both thought were necessary elements involved in it. Since that time I have assigned this young man a few books about being a godly husband and leading a godly family. He has joyfully accepted these books and we are presently working on discussing them together. You see, my responsibility to is protect and safeguard my daughter. That is my responsibility and until she walks down the aisle and I give her away to another man, this will always be my responsibility. Thankfully my daughter is quite receptive to my involvement in their relationship. As I began to think about their relationship in the context of the HIV pandemic a few thoughts began to concern me. "Do I know this young man well enough to know how he has done in the area of sexual purity?" "Has this young man ever involved himself in a risk behavior that could have introduced him to HIV?". Now why would this issue concern me, a father? Because I love my daughter and I know the facts of the HIV issue well enough to know that there are many people out there who have involved themselves in risk behavior throughout their young adult days (and the statistics say that this age group is showing the highest increase in new HIV infections in the United States) and have never been tested for the possibility of HIV. Let's review for a moment what that could mean. Remember that I mentioned in an earlier article that the HIV virus can remain dormant in the body for 7-10 years before chronic symptoms begin to surface. A person who engages in risk behavior can be tested (and should be) 3-12 weeks after the event. Let's assume that the person does not elect to take an HIV test either out of fear or ignorance. This young person, however, has contracted the virus and is not aware of it and moves on through their late teens and eventually meets and falls in love with the person of their dreams. They marry and engage in sexual intercourse and while doing so the infected spouse passes the virus. Could this above scenario have been prevented? I think it could have been.

As a father who is excited to see his son or daughter nearing the life of marriage it is necessary (your duty!) to ask these kinds of questions of that potential spouse. It is not an issue of nosiness or of being judgmental. It is not simple curiosity. If handled correctly it can be of great benefit. However, the questions need to be asked and the answers need to be honestly given (since this potential husband or wife for your child can lie). If you introduce the topic in a careful and gentle way it ought to be a conversation that seems natural and proper. Sadly, I think we assume to much in this area. We assume that this young man or woman has been raised in a good home -- even a Christian home -- and therefore we think that it is not an issue. It probably isn't but you won't know for sure until you have the conversation. As I said before: assumption is the mother of all foul ups. If you love your son or daughter I think you will involve yourself to this level in the relationship that is ongoing with a potential husband or wife for your children. I have wondered how many fathers who have recently given their daughters away in marriage have considered this topic and have had this kind of conversation. I fear that for many the answer would be, "I didn't". For those who still have children at home and will, hopefully, see them married some day you now have no reason to be ignorant in this issue. Learn the facts of the HIV pandemic and be prepared to talk openly and honestly with a potential spouse about it. This is your responsibility, dads!